Dharma in Daily Life
I have been asked to speak about the practice of Dharma in daily life. We need to know what we mean by Dharma. Dharma is a Sanskrit word that literally means "a preventive measure." It is something that we do in order to avoid problems. To have any interest in practicing the Dharma, we need to see that there are problems in life. That actually takes a lot of courage. Many people do not take themselves or their lives seriously. They work very hard all day long and then distract themselves with entertainment and so on in the evenings because they are tired. They don’t really look inwardly to the problems in their lives. Even if they do look at their problems, they do not really want to acknowledge that their lives are not satisfactory because it would be too depressing. It takes courage to really check the quality of our lives and to admit honestly when we find it unsatisfactory.
Of course, there are levels of unsatisfactoriness. We could say, "Sometimes I have bad moods and sometimes things go well, but that’s okay. That’s life." If we are content with that, fine. If we have some hope that we can make things a little bit better, it leads us to look for a way to do so. In order to find methods to improve the quality of our lives we need to identify the source of our problems. Most people look externally for the source of their problems. "I am having difficulty in my relationship with you because of you! You are not acting the way I would like you to act." We may also blame our difficulties on the political or economic situation. According to some schools of psychology, we can look to traumatic events in our childhood as what led us to have the problems that we have. It is very easy to blame our unhappiness on others. Placing the blame on other people or social or economic factors does not really lead to a solution. If we have this conceptual framework, we might be forgiving and it may have some benefit, but most people find that only doing this much has not relieved them of their psychological problems and unhappiness.
Buddhism says that although other people, society, and so on contribute to our problems, they are not really the deepest source of them. To discover the deepest source of our difficulties we need to look within. After all, if we feel unhappy in life, it is a response to our situation. Different people respond to the same situation differently. Even if we just look at ourselves, we find that we respond differently to difficulties from one day to the next. If the source of the problem were just the external situation, we should respond in the same way all the time, but we do not. There are factors that affect how we respond, such as having a good day at work, but these are only superficial contributing factors. They do not go deeply enough.
If we look, we start to see that our attitudes toward life, ourselves, and our situations contribute very much to how we feel. For example, we don’t feel sorry for ourselves all the time, like when we are having a good day; but when we are not having a good day, the feeling of self-pity recurs. The basic attitudes that we have toward life very much shape how we experience life. If we examine more deeply, we find that our attitudes are based on confusion.
If we explore confusion, we see that one aspect of it is confusion about behavioral cause and effect. We are confused about what to do or say and about what will happen as a result. We can be very confused about what type of job to get, whether to get married, whether to have children, etc. If we get into a relationship with a person, what will the result be? We do not know. Our ideas of what will follow from our choices are really just fantasies. We might think that if we get into a deep relationship with a certain person, we will live happily ever after, like in a fairy tale. If we are upset in a situation, we think that yelling will make it better. We have a very confused idea about how the other person is going to respond to what we do. We think that if we yell and speak our minds, we will feel better and everything will be all right, but everything will not be all right. We want to know what will happen. We desperately look at astrology or throw coins for The Book of Changes, the I Ching. Why do we do things like that? We want to be in control of what happens.
Buddhism says that a deeper level of confusion is confusion about how we and others exist and about how the world exists. We are confused about the whole issue of control. We think that it is possible to be totally in control of what happens to us. Because of that, we get frustrated. It is not possible to always be in control. That is not reality. Reality is very complex. Many things influence what happens, not just what we do. It is not that we are totally out of control or manipulated by external forces either. We contribute to what happens, but we are not the sole factor that determines what happens.
Because of our confusion and insecurity, we often act destructively without even knowing that it is destructive behavior. This is because we are under the influence of disturbing emotions, disturbing attitudes, and the compulsive impulses that come up from our habits. Not only do we act destructively toward others; we primarily act in self-destructive ways. In other words, we create more problems for ourselves. If we want fewer problems or liberation from our problems, or even further, the ability to help others to get out of their problems as well, we need to acknowledge the source of our limitations.
Let us say that we can recognize that the source of our problems is confusion. This is not too difficult. Many people reach the point of saying, "I am really confused. I am messed up." Then what? Before we go and spend money on this course or that retreat, we need to consider very seriously whether we really are convinced that it is possible to get rid of our confusion. If we don’t think it is possible to get rid of confusion, what are we trying to do? If we go only with the hope that it may be possible to get rid of our confusion, it is not very stable. It is wishful thinking.
We might think that freedom could come about in several ways. We might think that somebody will save us. It could be a higher, divine figure, such as God, and so we become born-again believers. Alternatively, we may look to a spiritual teacher, a partner, or someone else to save us from our confusion. In such situations, it is easy to become dependent on the other person and to behave immaturely. We are often so desperate to find someone to save us that we are indiscriminate in whom we turn to. We might choose someone who is not free from confusion himself or herself and who, because of his or her own disturbing emotions and attitudes, takes advantage of our naïve dependence. This is not a stable way to proceed. We cannot look to a spiritual teacher or a relationship to clear up all our confusion. We have to clear up our own confusion.
A relationship with a spiritual teacher or with a partner can provide helpful circumstances, but only when the relationship is a healthy one. When it is unhealthy, it just makes it worse. It leads to more confusion. In the beginning, we can be in a deep state of denial, thinking that the teacher is perfect, the partner is perfect, but eventually our naivete wears off. When we start to see the weaknesses in the other person and that the other person is not going to save us from all our confusion, we crash. We feel betrayed. Our faith and our trust have been betrayed. That is a terrible feeling! It is very important to try to avoid that from the beginning. We need to practice the Dharma, preventive measures. We need to understand what is possible and what is not. What can a spiritual teacher do and what can a spiritual teacher not do? We take preventive measures to avoid crashing.
We need to develop a state of mind that is free of confusion. The opposite of confusion, understanding, will prevent confusion from arising. Our work in the Dharma is to be introspective and attentive to our attitudes, our disturbing emotions, and our impulsive, compulsive, or neurotic behavior. That means being willing to see things in ourselves that are not so nice, things we would rather deny. When we notice things that are causing our problems or are symptoms of our problems, we need to apply opponents to overcome them. All of this is based on study and meditation. We have to learn to identify disturbing emotions and attitudes and where they come from.
Meditation means that we practice applying the various opponents in a controlled situation so that we become familiar with how to apply them and can then do so in real life. For example, if we get angry with others when they don’t act the way we would like them to, in meditation we think of these situations and try to look at them from a different point of view. The other person is acting in disagreeable ways for many different reasons. He or she is not necessarily acting out of spite because he or she doesn’t love us. In meditation, we try to dissolve such attitudes: "My friend doesn’t love me anymore because he or she didn’t call me."
If we can practice going through this type of situation with a state of mind that is more relaxed, understanding, and patient, then if the person doesn’t call us for a week we don’t get so upset. When we start to get upset, we remember that this person is probably very busy and it is egocentric to think that we are the most important person in his or her life. This helps us to cool our emotional upset.
Dharma practice is not a hobby. It is not something that we do as a sport or for relaxation. We do not just go to a Dharma center to be part of a group or to be in a social atmosphere. It may be very nice to go there, but that is not the purpose. Also, we don’t go to a Dharma center like a addict getting a fix – a fix of inspiration from a charismatic, entertaining teacher who makes us feel good. If we do, we go home, soon feel blah, and then we need another fix. Dharma is not a drug. Teachers are not drugs. Dharma practice is a full-time job. We are talking about working on our attitudes toward everything in our lives. If we are working on developing love for all sentient beings, for example, we need to apply it in our families. Many people sit in their rooms meditating on love, but cannot get along with their parents or their partners. This is sad.
In trying to apply the Dharma to our real life situations at home and at work, we need to avoid extremes. One pole of the extreme is putting the whole blame on others. The other extreme is putting the entire blame on ourselves. What happens in life is very complex. Both sides contribute: others contribute; we contribute. We can try to get others to change their behavior and attitudes, but I am sure we all know from personal experience it is not very easy – especially if we come on in a self-righteous, holy way and accuse the other of being a sinner. It is much easier to try to change ourselves. Although we can make suggestions to others, if they are receptive and if they will not become more aggressive because of our suggestions, but the major work is on ourselves.
In working on ourselves, we have to watch for another pair of extremes: being totally preoccupied with our feelings and not being aware of them at all. The first is narcissistic preoccupation. We are only concerned about what we feel. We tend to ignore what others are feeling. We tend to think that what we feel is far more important than what other people are feeling. On the other hand, we may be totally out of touch with our feelings or feel nothing at all, as if our emotions were shot with Novocain. Avoiding these extremes requires a delicate balance. It is not so easy.
If we are always watching ourselves it creates an imagined duality – ourselves and what we are feeling or doing – and so we are not really into relating to someone or being with somebody. The real art is to relate and act in a natural and sincere way, while part of our attention is on our motivation and so on. We need to try to do this, however, without having it be such a fractured way of acting that we are not present with the other person. I should also point out that if we are checking our motivation and feelings during the process of relating to someone, sometimes it is helpful to tell the person. However, it is very narcissistic to feel that we have to tell the person. Often, other people are not interested in what we are feeling. It is very self-important to feel that they want to know. When we notice that we are starting to act selfishly, we can just stop it. We don’t have to announce it.
Another set of two extremes is that we are all bad or all good. If we put too much emphasis on our difficulties, our problems, and our disturbing emotions, we could start to feel that we are bad persons. That very easily degenerates into guilt. "I should practice. If I don’t, I am a bad person." This is a very neurotic basis for practice.
We also need to avoid the other extreme, which is putting too much emphasis on our positive sides. "We are all perfect. Just see your Buddha-natures. Everything is wonderful." This is very dangerous, because it can imply that we don’t need to give up anything, we don’t need to stop any negativities because all we need to do is see our Buddha-natures. "I am wonderful. I am perfect. I do not have to stop my negative behavior." We need a balance. If we are feeling too down on ourselves, we need to remind ourselves of our Buddha-natures; if we are feeling a little bit too blasé, we need to emphasize our negative sides.
Basically, we need to take responsibility ourselves: for our development and for getting rid of our problems. Of course, we need help. It is not easy to do this by ourselves. We can get help from spiritual teachers or from our spiritual community, people who are like-minded and who are working on themselves and not blaming each other for their problems. That is why in a partnership, it is important to share the same type of attitude, particularly that of not blaming the other for any problems that arise. If both partners are blaming each other, it does not work at all. If only one partner is working on himself or herself and the other is just blaming, it doesn’t work either. If we are already in a relationship in which the other person is accusing, but we are looking into what we might be contributing, it does not mean that we need break off the relationship, but it is more difficult. We have to try to avoid being the martyr in this relationship. "I am enduring all of this! It is difficult!" The whole thing can be very neurotic.
The form of support that we can get from a spiritual teacher, from a like-minded spiritual community and friends is sometimes called "inspiration." The Buddhist teachings place a lot of emphasis on receiving inspiration from the Triple Gem, from teachers, and so on. The Tibetan word is "jinlab" (byin-rlabs), usually translated as "blessings," which is an inappropriate translation. We need inspiration. We need some sort of strength to go on.
The Dharma path is not an easy one. It is dealing with the ugliness of life. We need stable sources of inspiration. If the source of our inspiration is teachers telling fantastic stories of miracles and all these sorts of things – about themselves or about others in Buddhist history – it will not be a very stable source of inspiration. It certainly can be very exciting, but we have to examine how this is affecting us. In many people, it reinforces a fantasy world in which we are wishing for salvation through miracles. We imagine that some grand magician is going to save us with his or her miracle powers, or that we will suddenly be able to develop these miraculous things ourselves. We have to be very cautious with respect to these fantastic stories. They may inspire our faith and so on, and that can be helpful, but it is not a stable basis of inspiration. We need a stable basis.
A perfect example is that of the Buddha. Buddha did not try to "inspire" people or impress them by telling fantastic stories. He did not put on airs by going around and blessing people and stuff like that. The analogy that Buddha used, repeated throughout the Buddhist teachings, is that a Buddha is like the sun. The sun does not try to warm people. Naturally, from the way the sun is, it spontaneously brings warmth to everyone. Although we may get high from hearing a fantastic story or by being touched on the head with a statue or getting a red string to tie around our necks, it is not stable. A stable source of inspiration is the way the teacher spontaneously and naturally is as a person – his or her character, the way he or she is as a result of practicing the Dharma. This is what is inspiring, not some act that the person puts on to entertain us. Although this may not be as exciting as a fantastic story, it will give us a stable sense of inspiration.
As we progress, we can get inspiration ourselves from our own progress – not from gaining miraculous powers, but from how our characters slow change. The teachings always emphasize rejoicing in our own positive acts. It is very important to remember that progress is never linear. It does not just get better everyday. One of the characteristics of samsara is that our moods go up and down until we are completely free from samsara, which is an unbelievably advanced state. We must expect that we will sometimes feel happy and sometimes unhappy. We will sometimes be able to act in positive ways and other times our neurotic habits will be overpowering. It is going to be up and down. Miracles do not happen, usually.
The teachings on avoiding the eight worldly concerns emphasize not getting a swollen head if things go well and not becoming depressed if they do not go well. That is life. We need to look at the long-term effects, not the short-term effects. If we have been practicing for five years, for example, compared to five years ago there is a lot of progress. Even though we sometimes get upset, if we find that we are able to handle situations with calmer, clearer minds and hearts, that indicates that we have made some progress. This is inspiring. It is not dramatic, although we would like it to be dramatic and we get high on dramatic shows. It is stable inspiration.
We need to be quite practical and down to earth. When we do purification practices, like Vajrasattva practice, it is important not to think of it as Saint Vajrasattva purifying us. It is not some external figure, a great saint who will save us and bless us with purification. That is not the process at all. Vajrasattva stands for the natural purity of the clear light mind, which is not inherently stained by confusion. Confusion can be removed. It is by recognizing the natural purity of the mind through our own efforts that we can let go of guilt, negative potentials, and so on. That enables the purification process to work.
Further, in doing all these practices and trying to put Dharma into our daily lives, we need to recognize and acknowledge the level we are on. It is crucial not to be pretentious or to feel that we must be at a higher level than we are on now.
Most of us here come from a Catholic background. As we approach the Dharma and start to study, we do not need to feel that we need to give up Catholicism and convert to Buddhism. However, it is important not to mix the two practices. We don’t do three prostrations to the altar before sitting down in a church. Likewise, when we do a Buddhist practice, we don’t visualize the Virgin Mary, we visualize Buddha-figures. We practice each individually. When we go to church, we just go to church; when we do a Buddhist meditation, we do a Buddhist meditation. There are many common features, such as the emphasis on love, helping others, and so on. There is no conflict on the basic level. If we practice love, charity, and helping others, we are both a good Catholic and a good Buddhist. Eventually, however, we will have to make a choice, but that is only when we are ready to put our full effort into making tremendous spiritual progress. If we are going to go to the top story of a building, we cannot go up two staircases at the same time. I think that is a very helpful image. If we are just functioning on the basic ground level, in the lobby, fine. We don’t have to worry about it. We can benefit from both.
In applying Dharma to our lives, we have to be careful not to reject our native religions as bad or inferior. That is a big mistake. Then we could become a fanatic Buddhist and a fanatic anti-Catholic, for example. People do that with communism and democracy too. A psychological mechanism called misplaced loyalty takes over. There is a tendency to want to be loyal to our families, our backgrounds, and so on, so we want to be loyal to Catholicism although we have rejected it. If we are not loyal to our backgrounds and totally reject them as bad, we feel we are completely bad. Because this is extremely uncomfortable, we unconsciously feel the need to find something in our backgrounds to which we can be loyal.
The tendency is unconsciously to be loyal to certain less-beneficial aspects of our backgrounds. For example, we may reject Catholicism, but we bring a strong fear of hells into Buddhism. A friend of mine was very strongly Catholic, turned strongly to Buddhism, and then had an existential crisis. "I gave up Catholicism so now I will go to Catholic hell; but if I give up Buddhism and go back to Catholicism, I will go to Buddhist hell!" Although it might sound funny, it was really quite a serious problem to her.
We often unconsciously bring certain attitudes from Catholicism into our Buddhist practice. The most common ones are guilt and looking for miracles and for others to save us. If we don’t practice, we feel that we should practice, and if we don’t, we are guilty. These ideas are not at all helpful. We need to recognize when we are doing this. We need to look at our backgrounds and acknowledge the positive aspects so that we can be loyal to the positive rather than to the negative features. Rather than thinking, "I have inherited guilt and miracle-seeking," we can think, "I have inherited the Catholic tradition of love, charity, and helping the unfortunate."
We can do the same thing regarding our families. We might reject them and then be unconsciously loyal to their negative traditions, rather than consciously loyal to their positive ones. If we acknowledge, for example, that we are very grateful for the Catholic backgrounds they have given us, then we can go on our own paths without conflict about our past and without negative feelings constantly jeopardizing our progress.
It is important to try to understand the psychological validity of this. If we think of our past – our families, our religions of birth, or whatever – as negative, we tend to have negative attitudes toward ourselves. On the other hand, if we can acknowledge the positive things in our backgrounds and our past, we tend more to have positive attitudes toward ourselves. That helps us to be much more stable in our spiritual paths.
We need to proceed slowly, step-by-step. When we hear very advanced teachings, go to tantric empowerments, and so forth, although great masters of the past have said, "As soon as you hear a teaching, immediately put it into practice," we need to determine whether something is too advanced for us or if it is something that we can put into practice now. If it is too advanced, we have to discern the steps we will need to take to prepare ourselves to be able to put it into practice, and then follow those steps. In short, as one of my teachers, Geshe Ngawang Dhargyey, said, "If we practice fantasy methods, we get imaginary results; if we practice practical methods, we will get practical results."
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